It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
