theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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