I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
