Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
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