Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
