so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
