We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
