hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Randomize
