i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
