Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
