I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
