Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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