YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
