Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
