I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
