It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
