ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
