My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
