So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
