i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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