When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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