There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
whose parrot is this?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
