Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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