I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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