I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
