Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
