Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
