I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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