god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She is in my trunk
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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