It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Randomize
