dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have grass duct taped all over my body
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
