I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Please don't give away my fajitas
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