when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
