I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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