it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
