So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
