hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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