I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
