Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
