I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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