does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
