He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
