I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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