I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
