How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
