the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
