I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
