His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
