just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
