The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
