at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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