Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
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